I always expected to dry your tears after a bad break-up or some sort of other teenage disappointment. I planned on getting you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (cookie dough) while I ate apples and we watched chick flicks together. That was the broken heart I was prepared to mend.
I was not prepared for this.
I was not prepared to dry your tears because of cancer. I was not prepared for cancer to threaten your singing voice, the very thing you cherish most of all. It’s funny how so many things we value, things we hold tightly, become the things we have to turn over to God.
The gift of music was given to you for a reason, maybe this experience will let you see how much it means to you? I don’t know. I have no answers as to why you have to go through this, I just know I wasn’t prepared.
Sophia’s audition for Mary Poppins. She earned the part of Winifred Banks. We’re believing she’ll be whole by show time and able to sing it (but we’re casting an understudy so she doesn’t have any added pressure to get better.)
We all spend so much time wanting to be a part of groups or clubs or cliques or friendships circles, but this was never a club I wanted to join. The “moms of kids who have cancer” club. I know several other moms in this club, each with their own story to tell. Some have the happiest of endings. Others, the most devastating. I feel a kinship with them now, though I admit I never wanted to. I wanted to be able to empathize with them—I didn’t want to be one of them. I hope they don’t take offense to that. I would imagine they didn’t want to be in this club either.
But here we are.
All of us, bound together by the fact that our worst fear came true. All of us still standing in spite of that.
Maybe when your worst fear comes true and you survive it, it bolsters you somehow? Maybe it makes you realize that you’re stronger than you thought or that you really do have a God whose grace and mercy carries you through?
It’s only been a week since Sophia’s diagnosis. That week feels like a year. In the midst of it, we also had auditions for Mary Poppins. On our best days, audition weekends are grueling. This weekend nearly killed us. We took our moments—pockets of time to ourselves where we regrouped. We did our very best, but it was our team who carried us through. Without them, nothing would’ve gotten done.
Sometimes when I’m out running errands or something, people like cashiers at the grocery store or the person working the Panera drive-thru will make small talk, you know the kind—“How’s your day going?” I’ve never felt so fake as when I respond “Good, you?” In my head, I’m really saying “My daughter has cancer.” It’s like it’s always there, a gentle hum playing in the back of my mind, like a window open on my computer and I can’t figure out where the noise is coming from.
My daughter has cancer.
The amazing thing in all of this has been Sophia. While she’s obviously feeling all of the emotions, she’s also found a way to laugh, to joke, to binge-watch New Girl, to sing. She’s not a wear-her-heart-on-her-sleeve kind of girl—the only one of my kids who does that is Sam, and his heart is usually angry about something (#helpmerhonda)—but I find myself clinging to her a little bit. I find myself just wanting to be around her. I knew without her saying a word the one time I’ve seen her break down over this whole thing that she was breaking down and I was in the kitchen while she was upstairs on the bathroom floor. The holy spirit nudged me to go find her. I pray he keeps doing that so I can be whatever it is she needs in this journey.
One thing I do know is that the love of our family and friends and even strangers on the internet has been overwhelming. People say that, and unless you’re in it, you cannot possibly comprehend how it feels to have people offer their wisdom and expertise to you, or their time or their prayers. Heartfelt messages have come our way via text, email, Facebook and pretty much every other way you can imagine. Our driveway was chalked. We’ve been loved on and hugged. When our arms are too heavy, there is always, always someone there to help lift them.
Periodically over the last several years, since we started the Studio, Adam will turn to me out of nowhere and say “I love our life.” I understand the depth of what that means. Starting the business was a huge risk, and it was our big dream. And we’re doing it. And it’s been amazing. And we know countless amazing people because of it. Last night I thought, “he wouldn’t be saying that now.”
And yet, I do still love our life.
I do still love what we do and the people we do it with. I do still love where we live and how we live, even though it’s all really, really hard right now—even though I forget soccer practice or the fact that Sam needs a band book. Even though in some ways I’m barely keeping it together… I stilllove this life. It’s still a gift. And this—all of this—when we are on the other side of it, will be a huge testimony to the love and care of a God who has never left me even for a second.
Friends, I’m no preacher, and I can’t give an altar call, but I can tell you that in your life, you’re going to hit these kinds of snags. And you will not be prepared. And you’ll watch everything you thought you knew go up in flames… And if you don’t have a foundation to cling to, if you don’t have the comfort and deep knowledge that there is a God who loves you, who wants the very best for you, I don’t know how you’ll ever get through it. I can’t even imagine.
Anyway. We’re still here. Still hanging on. And when my arms grow weary, I know His hand will be there to pull me up.
Oh Courtney, I’ve lived the shattered and unimaginable; the world-turned-upside-down-without notice kind of days. Weeks and months, even! While it shouldn’t be surprising when it happens, and nothing prepares anyone for whatever kind of chaos comes, it does rock your whole world and make you cry, question and ultimately have to choose what you will cling to to hold you up, otherwise you fall apart. I’ve seen plenty of people and families do that! I just lift you all to the Creator, Savior and ultimate Redeemer as your family moves through these uncharted waters ahead. There will be waves you cannot keep your head above as the crash around you…there will be darkness and pits so deep that you will wonder if you’ll ever see Light again. But hold on. God is always near and finds us in the spaces we think He can’t possible touch or feel. He will bring Beauty from this in some way. He is not only the God of healing, wholeness and timing, but a God of perfect timing who calls us friends. May this God- the God of love, grace, Hope and Peace fill your hearts with every thing you need and more. May His promises be your unshakable Foundation always. No matter how He pens the rest of this story. We can be assured that every possible ending holds triumph and victory. He is a Good, Good Father even when everything around us tells us otherwise. He will never fail you! {big love and ongoing prayers…xoxo}
Jody Ferlaak
I just love you, friend! This post is beautiful, as is your heart for your daughter. <3
Praying for you, Sophia, and your family, Courtney.
Ah Courtney, BIG hugs and prayers for your family. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
I’ve added Sophia to the wall at the local prayer house. She’ll be prayed for every day by a handful or more of people.
And she’s on my personal prayer list, goo. I’ll be praying for her every day as well.
Courtney, you are definitely a gifted writer. I’ve cried through most of this post, for you and for your daughter. What an amazing young woman you have raised!
Your story is already a strong testimony of the power of God, and He is weaving a gorgeous tapestry of grace through your humbleness and transparency. Thank you so much for sharing from where your heart is in the moment.
I adore you and your incredible family. I love your posts, your heart, and your passion for everything you do. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away, but Thanos did that and it just made a mess of things (Avengers Infinity War)!
Instead I commit to praying for you every day, and anytime you need what I call bull’s eye prayer please feel free to ask. I know God is going to show you all things that you cannot imagine and you will be in complete awe. I wish I knew what they were, but that would ruin the surprise, and God loves to surprise His children!
How are your other children doing with all of this? And your sweet husband?
You all are in our prayers. Many times a day.
In times of darkness and in times of happiness always remember GOD IS GOOD! He will lay a hand on Sophia and your family and you will feel his peace and guidance in this time of worry and uncertainty. Sending love to your girl and to your whole family ❤️
I can’t tell you how much I love you and your family with words – they don’t cover my feelings – you have been a source of love and strength and Godly wisdom in my life, probably without even knowing it. When my world crashed 3 years ago I held on to my faith knowing that God had a plan and a purpose. I’ll be honest – my days are still filled with questions at times as I struggle with my teenager who is hurting and lost. But I know God is there and He will be there as you walk this journey.
I love you.
Pam
This. This is why I love you, your books, your ministry to kids… everything. You don’t sugar coat things and you share from your heart. I love you and I’ll be praying for all of you. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Courtney, May you find strength in the difficult days the lie ahead, trust that he will be by your side through your families journey! Big hugs!
Courtney, just wanted you to know I am praying for all of you. My sister is battling cancer and I almost died two years ago from a flesh eating bacteria. Although it wasn’t my daughter (which is devastating), I understand the fear, hope, crying before the Lord, silence before the Lord, and even peace sometimes. I do know He is always in the furnace with you and your lovely family. Will definitely be praying. Suzanne